Holiday gifts really show what they think of you

Holiday gifts really show what they think of you

These days I feel Christmas is way too commercialized and loses the true sense of the Holiday. Not that there is anything I can do to change the whole thing, but at the same time I do enjoy getting gifts. That's not to say you can't get meaning full gifts for just a small amount of money. It really depends on the thought and meaning behind the gift, not how many months it will take to pay off your credit card bill.

Like most Americans I didn't have a lot of extra cash to spend on gifts, and figured out a way to kill two birds with one gift. Being the struggling comic, I decided to give a gift at the same time as shamelessly promote myself.

Promotion materials can be very expensive but I found a great way to promote my standup for just three dollars and fifty cents. This great gift came in a 2 piece set and was a great way to spread laughs and safety all at the same time.

I realize that a night light can be considered tacky and not a good way to Feng shui, but then again neither is doing a one niter in a one horse town that would rather hear a fart noise as a punchline instead of a punch you spent your whole career trying to perfect. "GET ER DONE!

Now that I think of it, I don't think anyone would forget your name if it was on such a great example of American craftsmanship ( If you consider American craftsmanship to be made by small little Asian kids for nickels a week ).

Just when I thought I had the best tacky gift, my dad blew past me like a cute girl that memorized a knock knock joke on the road. I am the youngest of two in my family and for some reason my parents still think of me as this 12 yr old kid.

I am all for being green and being earth friendly for the environment, but it kind of defeats the purpose when it comes on the scalp of a 3D animation film star. I never thought I would say this, but... I would kill for one of those mutant sheep-like chia-pets. But being the the Holidays, I will make the best of the situation. My coworkers and you blog readers don't know it yet, but I will giving you updates of the growth process of my Chia-Shrek. I know!...I know!... it's like Christmas all over for you readers.

I am sure you will be waiting on the edge of your seats to see the updates, so I decided to tease you a bit and give you the first two days worth of progress. I think the journey will be as exciting as seeing how the local prostitute at the bus stop uses makeup to cover up her war scars of honor from the night before.

Unfortunately, thats all the updates I have for now. You will just have to wait for more. If you need that adrenalin rush, you might have to resort to watching paint dry till the updates.

Will Joke for CheeseCake

Will Joke For CheeseCake

Recently I was lucky enough to get a guest spot at a Comedy Club in Goldsboro N.C. due to the fact that I knew the headliner that night.
The club itself wasn't a true comedy club b/c it doubled as pool hall/air hockey/Ski-ball entertainment center. To best describe the stage and the seating would be to compare it to a state fair "Best Pig Blue Ribbon Contest". The stage was covered in drapes made from old red velvet bedazzled prom dresses and elegantly accompanied by a "Mr. Microphone Karaoke sound system.
The crowd was small, roughly about 20 plus people. They were local folks composed of Sanitation workers, senior citizens, and a few ladies in charge of the local Bingo game just to round it off.
To start off the wonderful show I knew I was going to have given the circumstances, I didn't hear the MC intro me and had to run on stage to dead silence. The spot lights were so bright, that it made me feel like I was being abducted by a UFO and then probed. The probing would of been a great foreshadowing of how the rest of my set would go (Not to mention much more enjoyable to boot!).
I have to be honest and say that I did get a few laughs here and there but for the most part, they were just being polite after that. There were a few things that really made me feel off my game...
#1. there was this old couple ( about 65 yrs + ) right up front. With the bright lights, all I could see was the outline of their blue/gray/white hair dues that mimicked dandelions swaying in a windy field. Needless to say they weren't "hip" to anything I was referencing and just smiling and nodding so as not to hurt my feelings.
#2. I could see the feature comic and the headliner comic just relaxing and enjoying the sight of me eating it on stage. I don't blame them for enjoying the spectacle, b/c I also can appreciate when the first comic takes a bullet for the other comics in the show.
Unfortunately, when the bullet catcher is you... you can't laugh about it till your time is done.
I was able to relax and see the other two comics pull teeth to get laughs after my set was finished. That made me feel better about my set and stopped me from giving in to the urge of running out into traffic with my eyes closed.
After the show, I went up to the front of the club to thank the management for the time on stage and to scurry past the audience members that were sticking around.
I wasn't lucky enough to sneak by them all, but I was lucky enough to get a pep talk from one guy that could of been the stunt double of Jeff Foxworthy. In a real southern voice he said to me..."Hey Buddy, You were Kind Of Funny!"..."too bad there weren't a few more people here, you probably would of gotten a few more laughs".

I know he meant well and probably did laugh at a few of my jokes, but they never realize how personal the comic takes even the smallest of criticism. I realize that comics ( me included )can be very bitter and narcissistic, but when we are sitting their dragging our tails between our legs it's hard to smile and here "helpful" little comments from someone who has never been on stage to try and make strangers laugh.
All in all, it was not the worst night I had in comedy. I did however find one silver lining in the shitstorm cloud that is standup comedy one nighters...I got a big piece of gourmet NY style cheese cake with cherries on top. I don't want to brag, but it was even individually wrapped! You would of thought I found the cure for cancer in this cheesecake, b/c the whole ride home I guarded it with my life. Putting my arm across it to secure it if I stopped a little to short at a stoplight.
I ate it over the next two days, taking a bite here and there to savor the sweetness that was my paycheck.